Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:01.55)
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. Here with Rachel again and we are excited to respond to a super good email we got. We get good emails all the time with great questions and we love that. So keep them coming you guys, because they're really thoughtful, sincere questions and we love it. And we love.

that you're thinking about your families and you're thinking about how to level up and live and create and design your own extraordinary life. And then as all of us do in this journey, we kind of see, we get a glimpse of where we want to go. And then we look down and see all the obstacles in between us and our destination. And we're like, ah, how do I actually get there? How do I get over this or around this or how do I break through this? And there's a lot you guys, you hear both of us talk about the comp -

complexity of life and It's complex Just being an individual human being But now you get married and have kids Yowzers you've just multiplied by many complex exponentially. Yeah, exactly Exponential complexity in family life. So it's not it's not an easy answer. It's not it's never a black and white There's there's so many variables, but I do believe

common denominators. So with this with this podcast again today, it's really great questions and I think relevant to all of us. Especially now. I think more than ever before in the history of the world. I think especially now. Yeah, and so specifically what we're going to be addressing is the question that came in asking in summary, how can we not

feel guilty for doing things we enjoy that aren't necessarily productive? Meaning not necessarily helping us make progress towards our big goals and dreams, long term or short term. And that's a really great question because I know Greg and I have also felt that before. I think we've reached a point now where that's diminished. I don't know that we feel that as much, but I definitely remember.

Rachel Denning (02:17.422)
times when we felt like, oh gosh, I'd really rather do this, but I know if I'm going to reach this goal, I should be doing this or I should be doing that, right? And so we've all been there at some point. And so this is a really great email asking that question. And we've got more details we're going to share about. One of the major things I think this is referring to is entertainment. Just it's well, but it could be just taking it easy. Yeah, entertainment.

What you happen to feel like in the moment. Yeah, just doing what you want to do. And I know for many people, and this was us included, when you begin this personal growth journey, you start to feel like it's encroaching a lot on your relaxing activities, right? And people have asked us before, like, how is it that you can get so much done and you can accomplish so many goals? And part of that is because...

We've reached this level where our relaxing is actually productive. We found how to have relaxing productive time. And, but it takes practice to get there. I'm going to come back to this a lot in this podcast, but we've also found entertainment to be educational. Yes, exactly. To be growth inducing and helpful. And like we feel like

when we're entertaining ourselves, so to speak, we're still progressing. It's still very educational. And there's a secret there that I think we're going to get into. Yeah. And so we've used this analogy before of floors and ceilings or different levels, if you think of like stairs. And when you have something that is your floor, I mean, you're comfortable standing there because you are on top of it. It's the floor. It's your foundation.

and that's where you are and you look up at someone who's above you, something that's a limit for you, something that's a, well, a limiting belief essentially and you look and you're like, I can't get past that. Like how could I get to that point where that's comfortable or easy? And you look at someone who's there already and that's their floor. They are standing on your ceiling. But it's their floor for them. And so it's easier for them. And there is a way,

Rachel Denning (04:38.446)
I mean, the only, well, really the only way to have it be easy for you is to get to that point where it becomes your new floor. And that's how you actually level up in life. You reach new levels by creating floors out of your previous ceilings, your previous limiting beliefs. And I think one of the important things to consider there as a ceiling and a floor is what you like. Now, a lot of us think, well, this is just what I like.

I like this kind of food. I like this kind of entertainment. I like this kind of music or movies. I like doing these things. And in saying that, I remember feeling this and thinking it and when working with a lot of people. I have no control over what I like. Like, what do you mean? I just like that. Now, I'm, when I first kind of was learning this, I'm like, whatever, like, you just like what you like. I liked this certain kind of music and I didn't like the other kind. Like, I almost...

Without outright saying it, I felt like a victim to it. Like, I can't help it. I like that. And then as I realized, like, wait a minute, none of that is permanent. And the things I like are a ceiling to me if they're not in line with my big goals, dreams, and values. So if I have a high value and I want to pursue something, I want to be a better person.

but I happen to like something that's either outright retarding my progress or at least not helping my progress, I actually have the power and I want to pass this on right now. You have the power to change what you like. Exactly. So that's definitely a key element to this, but we're going to dig into part of this email that we received from a parent. It was very thoughtful. And there's probably many of you who have...

had these same questions and concerns, and I know that in the past we have as well. So it's essentially this idea of if you're working on personal development, if you're working on family development, right, which is you're trying to grow and improve and achieve big goals and dreams, and we say big because I read in my, I have this, well I have all kinds of journals, but I read in one of them this morning that you have to set big goals because small goals don't have the power to change your life.

Rachel Denning (07:04.014)
And so we're talking about big goals because they're the ones that have the real power. Small goals, you know, they can be great, but they can also be not very motivating in the end. You have to have something that's big that makes you grow in order to achieve it. So in pursuing that fits into this big message I want to share later that small goals are beneath your potential. And that

Ultimately, although it kind of it it almost feels satiating. It still leaves you hungry. Mm -hmm. Oh, so we'll come back to that. Yeah so in this journey of personal growth they're discussing that some members of the family have been showing signs of sadness or disappointment and this conflict in wanting to do things that you enjoy right the things that you like currently like entertainment

Yeah, whatever. Everyone has a different thing. We all have our own thing. Yeah, it can be eating, it could be eating junk food, it could be entertainment, it could be video games, it could be Netflix, it could be sports, it could be TV. All of us know what our thing is that we really enjoy doing. But, and we're not trying to send a message here that like doing things you enjoy is wrong or not productive because that's not true. But there are certainly more things that are...

There are some things that are more or less productive depending on what your goals are. Ultimately it comes down to that. It depends on what your aim is, whether or not what you're doing is more or less productive and the amount of time you're spending doing it, of course, because that's a consideration. And this brings up this internal conflict we have. This...

Is it is it Jacqueline Hyde is it that intense or maybe it's the the bad angel and the good angel? I don't know. There's this internal conflict of the things we want so to speak and the things we want right now. Yes. Right. And I was going to go like so these these big dreams and desires and the things I like to do. Well, that often in serious conflict with each other. Yeah. It's that quote that the greatest cause of failure and happiness.

Rachel Denning (09:28.43)
on unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want in the moment. And that's exactly what it's relating to here is that you get this big goal and dream, you get this vision of the life that you want to create, something you want to do, and then you get an idea of what that's going to take to get there, right? And suddenly you're in conflict because the way you've been spending your time and your life,

you now recognize he's not helping you to get that dream. And so now you've got this conflict of like, but I really enjoy that. I want to keep doing that because I like it, you know? And so you start feeling guilty. Well, hold on, but you're wanting things that are opposing each other. Yeah. That's a real conundrum. It's a real challenge there where we all have to step back. I guess we'll get into some steps here and some coaching is like, you've got to sit down with some

some paper or your computer and you've got to get clear on what you value most because you might have, you know, a value in number two position and but it's being overrun or overtaken by a value in number 10 position. Ten's getting all the time, but two is what really is most important to you and yet you're giving your time and attention and effort to ten. And so there's this misalignment in your value structure and it's tearing you up.

Yeah, because the number 10 spot might be filled with something like a Netflix show that you really like and is addictive and it's getting all your time and attention and then your thought process because we all know when we binge watch those shows then you start thinking about them for hours or days, at least this happens to me, right? And now all of your time, energy, attention, thought are going to that instead of thinking about...

your long -term goals and what it is you're actually trying to do to accomplish those. And so it does create this conundrum of I want to do the things that I enjoy, but they don't have anything to do with personal growth or anything to do with the goal I'm trying to achieve. And so now I feel sad. I feel defeated. I feel like I'm never going to achieve it. I feel like I'm a failure. I feel like fill in the blank, right?

Rachel Denning (11:55.981)
you feel bad. And there's guilt. Because they're bad things or they're non -productive things or they're whatever they are. Just, well in many instances there's just, the word I like to use is this fluff or froth or foam. It's just the foam on top. There's no substance. Which foam can be great. I love some foam on my, you know, hot chocolate or something. This is where we part ways because I'm like, what a waste.

You don't like anything frothy? Nothing foamy? No, there's no substance. You're like, it's like cotton candy, which is horror. Cotton candy is evil. Right. But so, you know, I don't, I guess. And some people might think I'm hardcore. You are. OK. But this is where I'm at. I'm like, why? Why on earth would I want? And I guess here's here's why I'm like this way. Why would I want to give any?

Even the slightest bit of my precious life, time, was the most valuable thing we have, or my thoughts, or my energy, or emotions. Why would I give any of that to something that has no substance and no value? It doesn't fill you. It doesn't fill you. It doesn't help you. It doesn't give you meaning or purpose. It doesn't make your life any richer. It just entertains you for a moment. Now, to clarify, there is some entertainment that does do what you're talking about. Exactly, and we'll get into that, but...

My point here at this moment is, I guess that's where I'm hardcore and people are like, whoa, geez, yeah, okay, buddy. But I won't. I'm to a point now, I'm like, I'm not gonna give any of my time and effort to something that is merely entertaining with no value. Yes, and it did take you time to get to that point. You didn't start out that way. No, I was at least into my early teens.

You might be okay about that. I am and okay. All right, so maybe I'm rare here You are ever as a kid my brothers would play video games and I'm like This is the biggest waste of life. I'm going outside to have an adventure Yes, so I mean we did grow up in a different age So anyways, yes there there comes this inner conflict you want to

Rachel Denning (14:14.061)
Do the things you're used to doing. Do the things that are entertaining and that you enjoy. Because enjoyment, we're not saying that they're not enjoyable. You wouldn't be doing them and you wouldn't be drawn to doing them if you weren't enjoying them. And so that's just because the way the brain is developed and that you get dopamine hits from doing any of those things. And so you want to keep getting those dopamine hits. It makes sense. That's why it's challenging. But if...

Here's the tough part, because you are where you are in your life right now because of the things you have been doing or are currently doing. Conditioning. Conditioning, which Greg calls conditioning or training. And the only way, and I'm gonna say only, to get different results in your life is to do different things.

You can't keep doing the things that you are doing now if you want to end up with something different. So if you have some dream or goal to travel or buy a bigger house or make more money or have a better marriage or whatever, you can't - Or a close connection with your kids or great health, on and on and on. You can't keep doing what it is you're doing now and expect to be able to get those results. It does not work that way. So this is what Greg calls -

the exchange rate, there has to be something you have to exchange in order to get what you want. You have to take a survey of your life right now and analyze where your time is being spent and then say, what can I give up in order to exchange it for something else? Now the toughest part about this is that generally that exchange at first is painful. Because you're giving up something you enjoy in order to do something like work out and

Who wants to give up playing video games in order to work out? Right? You're like, no, why would I do that? You're right. You're right. Some of them, the exchange is like, oh, Jesus, I'm sore and sweaty and bleh. But you're right. So some of them, it feels pretty tough. It can be painful. But there's others that like, you know what, instead of staying up late watching a show tonight that's just meaningless or even disturbing,

Rachel Denning (16:38.573)
There's so many disturbing shows that get in your head and mess with your emotions. I mean, they are, they are strategic. These shows, they're strategic about messing with your emotions and your thoughts. If you think that these, that pretty much all shows out there are not designed to psychologically draw you in, you're missing something. Because that's how they work. That's what they do. They're, they're doing that. But so if I, if tonight, so let's say, and this is very common. So a lot of people stay up too late. In fact, that's probably the most common thing I hear now.

They're just staying up too late, which is tanking their morning routines. One of the number one forms of self -sabotage, really. Yeah, it's a major problem. I'm like, okay, oh cool, what did you stay up for? We watched a show. I don't know, or I was on Instagram. I was scrolling on my phone, or like, I'm like, okay, what did you do? What did you stay up for that was just worth it? Nothing. I was just kind of messing around, looked at a couple things, checked some emails, whatever. It's almost never something really valuable. And so, in this point, if you say, I'm going to...

recondition like you're saying or do some different training. I'm going to exchange this. You say, okay, tonight I'm going to sleep at 9 30 or 10. That means I'm going to get ready for bed at nine and I'm going to sit down with a book that's not going to keep me up. Right. And it's not an entertaining book. You're reading till 3 a .m. and we've done this before. We learned the hard way. It's a book that will just kind of really settle you down and get you ready for sleep. And in that case, you know, contrasting versus exercising, in that case, you actually feel better.

You feel way better. You have a better evening and then you wake up and you do your routine. Like that was fantastic. I woke up energized and well rested and I had a great morning routine because I had a great evening routine. So sometimes you actually feel better. Yes. And you do do those things. But you do have to realize for those normal people out there that sometimes that thought right there seems painful. Like I'm going to give up watching my show to sit down and read a book.

It's so boring. You know what I mean? Because I know that there have been times when I've been there and I know there are people that do feel that way. They feel that these personal growth requirements are not fun. It's not like watching Batman or something. You know what I mean? It's not the same. And so while that is true, I do want to emphasize that with practice,

Rachel Denning (19:08.237)
that does become fun and enjoyable, especially if you find the right books and you make a little routine out of it. Like it does become enjoyable and it is beneficial to you. And besides the fact that it ultimately brings you the long -term outcomes you want, because this is, if I can make a point really quick, one of the ways to change this thing is to focus on the long -term outcomes. You have to keep your mind, your vision, your sights on what it is you want most.

not what you want in the moment. But if it does feel that what you have to do in order to reach your goal seems painful, boring, whatever word you want to use.

you do need to remember that part of it is your training. Greg and me, we can have fun sitting down and reading a book, but we've trained ourself to become that way with habit, with practice, with starting by reading the books we really enjoyed for one thing. I mean, now we can sit down and read something on whatever like propaganda or a biography or classic philosophers. And you're like,

This is amazing! Which would be boring to a lot of people, but we've trained ourselves for that to be fun and entertaining to us. But it took practice. I can hear some listeners. They're like, oh boy, you guys have trained yourself to be nerds. That's what you've done. You've trained yourself to be boring old people. Right? And so lest you think we are boring people, we are very adventurous and we have a lot.

You have to add this caveat. No, I do because you're right. There may be a lot of people that look over there like, dude, that's a boring existence. I think I'd rather be mediocre because it's more fun. Exactly. It's more entertainment, right? They're not willing to trade their entertainment for growth because growth looks so dull. Yes. But I'm trying to tell you growth is the most exciting thing there is. And you learn to love it.

Rachel Denning (21:21.293)
In fact, you love it even more than what you're doing before because not only are you still consuming entertaining things, but they're also adding value to your life. Yes. But what I wanted to continue saying was that we didn't go from where we were to now where we can sit down with some old classic leather book and read it. It was a progression. Yes. And I think it begins. But please don't take as long as we took.

That's why we're doing this. But I think that it begins by, well, I don't know what else to call it, but by this replacement strategy where you realize, okay, what am I doing now while I'm spending a lot of time, you know, watching Netflix? Okay. And how can I, well, tracking, tracking is? Track your time and evaluate it like.

You'll be shocked to find out what you're actually doing. Because you're like, no, I don't spend that much time. And then you track it, you're like, wow. Wow, I actually spend like five hours a day tracking. And then say, OK, this is how I am now spending my time.

What can I replace that with that's not gonna be too painful, but is going to be better, even 1 % better than what I've been doing? Maybe it's cutting down the time, that's for one thing. And then doing something else with that. Maybe instead of watching two hours of Netflix, you watch one hour and then you read a book and go to bed. So replacing the time or reducing the time.

Another thing is, well, maybe instead of watching this trashy show, I watch something that's inspirational or educational or informational or, you know, something like that. You know, I try to watch documentaries. I still am not to that point yet. I get a little bored watching them. But sometimes they're great. But I do like to watch series, you know, Netflix series that are educational, that make you think, that help you understand human psychology better.

Rachel Denning (23:26.125)
There are levels of shows you can watch that can help you on this progression of the journey you're on. So that's one way of like, okay, what can I replace this with that's going to be slightly better? That's gonna be slightly more productive in helping me become the person I wanna become. And well, just a little side note, we do fit those into boundaries, which I think is super helpful. So Friday night is our movie night, and that's where we fit those in.

We're not doing it every night. We're not spending time every night. I've met couples that as they're going to sleep every night, they watch a Netflix episode or two or three or 10 every night. And so that starts to consume your evenings and sabotage your mornings. Another thing back to that point Rachel is making... Wait, let me emphasize that for really a sec. Don't forget your thought. Yes, boundaries are very, very important. It's okay to do these things that you quote unquote enjoy, but set boundaries around it.

Because for one thing, if you can't learn to set boundaries and keep them, you lack willpower. Greatness is not in you. Yeah, greatness is, quoting a paraphrasing quote, greatness is not within you. That was messed up. Greatness is not in you. So setting boundaries on the thing that's like, okay, I'm going to do this thing, but it's going to be one day a week during this time period. And that's it. Stick to that.

and then you look forward to it and when you have it you enjoy it and then you know that's it and then you can go back to focusing on creating the life you want because what most people do is they spend all of their time consuming

the great stories of other people instead of creating their own great story. And that's the problem. They're consuming instead of creating. That is the problem and the big point. We'll come back to that. I did want to say, back to Rachel's point, like picking the other things to do, I honestly can't think of anyone I've ever talked to that didn't have something they wanted to try or do more of or work on.

Rachel Denning (25:37.773)
I meet people all the time like, oh, I'd sure love to get back to painting. I loved painting when I was younger. Or writing. Or writing. Or learning how to dance. I did this sport when I was in college or high school. I just would love to do that again. Or doing poetry or, I mean, on and on and on. Any number of things, right? From sculpting to basket weaving to making furniture, crafts. Like, there's any number of things. Do that!

Yeah, that's a great replacement like wait a minute here I am and track it so you know and then realize wow I I just spent seven hours this week watching mindless stuff What could I do with seven hours in this? Craft or hobby that I'm interested in or or maybe you've been thinking about writing cards to family members or doing some service projects with your family But you're like we don't have any time. We're just so busy can't fit it in actually

You've got another seven hours that you could be doing those more meaningful things. Now, I know you want to hit something else. Before I forget, I want to touch on guilt. May I? Well, guilt, I think, and not feeling good enough. Feeling like if you do these other things that you enjoy but aren't productive, that you feel like you're a failure or you're not good enough or you're never going to reach your goals or what's the point or all of these defeating emotions. Okay.

That's where I'm going. Okay. I'm going to share something that's counter social. I think I just made that up. Maybe it's a word. I'm going to share something right now that's counter social and, and I just want to social conditioning. Well, so what's going on currently in our society? There's, there's major messages out there of like, you shouldn't feel guilty. Don't make people feel guilty. Don't feel guilty yourself. No shaming. You know, stop with this.

you know that that kind of voice and actually it's a good message but like we said in another podcast it's kind of only half true it's not the whole picture because every person has within them and whether it's spiritual or physiological like evolutionary which i think is both everyone has an image of a best self.

Rachel Denning (28:04.845)
They just inherently in their own nature, they have this vision or even just a feeling, a sense of their best self. They feel within their being and their soul that they're capable of more. And I think especially if you get a vision of some sort of goal or noble aim you're trying to achieve, that too is part of it. Right.

Yes, and that's a whole other level. If you get some kind of vision of it, and now you have something to aim at, right? But even if you don't, if you haven't really given it a thought, everyone I've met still has a sense, even if it's vague, of like, I can be better than this. Okay? Now, roll with me on this. If I have that inner knowing that I'm capable of more, and yet consistently on the day to day,

I'm spending my time doing pretty meaningless things. Well, not just meaningless. I would say doing things that ultimately your best self knows won't help you get there. Get there. Great. That's to me is that's where guilt comes from. It's almost this indicator of you're off course. Right. And so this feeling of not being enough could actually be, roll with me here, it could actually be divine.

It could actually be part of your physiology. Your internal compass. Yeah, your internal compass saying, dude, this is right now. You are not enough. Come on. If you want to get to this goal you have, if you want to reach this best version of yourself, you're not enough right now. This is off. This is not in alignment with where you're trying to go.

I think that's what guilt is. Yeah, and so it's your future best self calling to you and kind of calling you out saying, hey, you've got more to be doing here that is exciting and is wonderful and is good. You're not just being called into the abyss, right? You're being called up to something great, but you're going to have to sacrifice some of the froth and fluff to get to some substance. And so yes, the feeling of

Rachel Denning (30:24.013)
being unworthy or not enough or not good enough and the feeling of guilt, roll with me here, I think can be really, really good. Yes. Now, it's not good if you stay in it and you dwell in it and you beat yourself up. That's not good. It's meant to be a course corrector. Yes. It's meant to help you say, oh, I'm off course. Let's fix that. And then when you fix it, the guilt goes away. You no longer feel guilty because even if you don't reach that point,

ideal yet, which none of us have, but you are taking steps. You're starting on the journey. You're taking the action. That helps you not feel guilty anymore. You feel better about yourself and you feel better about what you're doing because your inner guide knows, okay, now you're on the right path. You're taking this action in the right direction. Yes, I love that you brought that up because it is so, so true. And again, I think Rachel,

articulated it well, there's an unhealthy side of that. But I think there's a healthy side of it that most people are dismissing because it feels bad. We don't want people to feel bad and we're not, many people are not processing that bad feeling or thought properly. They're not using it as a calling to improve their lives. They're just like, this sucks, I hate feeling like this. And so kind of the knee jerk survival mode reaction is to dump the standard because

living substandard makes you feel like crap. So go ahead and lower your standard. Oh, that feels better for time, but we've already addressed that in another podcast. Well, I think this is good because that's often what happens. People begin feeling guilty about what they're doing with their time when they get introduced to a higher standard, a broader vision, a greater purpose and mission. And so once they have been exposed to it,

At first, especially, it's very difficult to consolidate this new vision you have, this new expanded mind with your current reality. Well, to reconcile. To reconcile it, exactly. And so you feel all of these feelings of unworthiness in a way because you're like, oh, I'm not good enough for that. How could I ever achieve that? And there's a couple options of either you...

Rachel Denning (32:48.173)
make changes and you allow that guilt to help you course correct so that you can move forward towards this new idea or like you were just saying you shut it down you dismiss it you reject it and you remain where you are. You assuage it, you numb it with addiction or substances you go into all kinds of trouble or I meet people all the time that there's a third alternative.

They keep doing the same old stuff they've been doing and keep feeling guilty and then they just are guilty their whole lives and resentful. Well, guilty while at the same time trying to convince themselves that it's okay to be this way and just accept themselves how they are and all the while they're actually ignoring that inner calling of their future best self. So we, the perfect spot right now for a question is what would your best self do?

Right? And that's one of my all -time favorite questions because it's you and your best self answering that. There's some beautiful intuition there and honesty and authenticity. It's not like, hey, what would your mother -in -law say? What would your neighbor say? What would your boss say? Or your spiritual leader say? It's like, what would your... It's just, what do you do? This is you. This is your best self. Like, how would your best self...

Use your time now some of you might even be thinking well, that's a little bit of a manipulative question You're kind of shame us. It's like not at all. It's like at a baseline just sincere honest question like hey Well, you know this it's it's in you. What would your best self do about this? and then do it Man, if if you if you neglect it, you don't do it you disregard it You keep you keep on keeping on where you know, you shouldn't. All right, there's there's a

There's a little flaw there that needs to be addressed and changed to make that happen. And it's, I mean, I guess one of the most amazing things to me that I love and I revel in is that over time, as you do this, and you, cause this is a journey, this is a process. It's not something that happens overnight. You can change your direction overnight, but you can't change the destination. But,

Rachel Denning (35:08.941)
as you do this process, you really thoroughly begin to enjoy it. You love this lifelong quest you're on that brings this gigantic sense of fulfillment to you. You're really on this adventure of learning and growth and every day feels like, man, I'm embracing...

the journey and bracing the learning and bracing the growth and it's meaningful and so empowering and instead of it being crushing or guilt producing it's actually empowering it lights you up and it's it's so fulfilling and i want to send here then you start discovering books both entertaining and educational you read i can't get enough of this but it's making you feel better and you're helping learn

You find movies that do the same thing, music that does the same thing. You find activities that do the same thing, that help you enjoy yourself, have fun, goof around, have excitement, do all this stuff. But you're better afterwards instead of, you guys know that feeling of like, you feel a little slimy or dirty or, I can't believe I just watched that. I can't believe I spent my time doing that. Because you know when it's off course from who you are as your best. So you go on this little quest to kind of,

compile a list of things that you really enjoy but they're actually good for you in your future and then man it's fantastic. You can ditch that feeling of waste and guilt because what you're doing is both enjoyable and good for you. Yes because I mean another misconception that can occur is that you you begin on this

personal growth journey and you just have to push, push, push, push, no breaks, no stopping, you just have to go, go, go, go, go because you've got to reach your goal, you've got to get there, you've got to make something of yourself, you have to whatever. And that's the other side of the coin that's also off in that we do need to take breaks, we do need to recover, we do need to...

Rachel Denning (37:29.741)
Relax and have fun exactly and so it's that is actually a part of We call it recovery and we get the idea from this book called the power of full engagement and he talks about stress and recovery and essentially stress is anything where you're pushing like you're going for something you're hustling you're pushing you're working But every time you stress yourself either mentally physically emotionally you have to recover

And so you have to have this balance in your life of stress and recovery. And the things that we enjoy provide that recovery. And many of us are doing that unconsciously. We're escaping into these forms of entertainment because we're trying to recover. But very often, especially it points out in the Powerful Engagement, there are right ways to recover and wrong ways to recover. There are things that actually help you.

feel better and re -energize and relax and de -stress and there are things that actually feel you think you're doing that but it's actually causing more stress and it's not helping your body or your mind or your spirit to actually recover and so you have to be super intentional about what you are using for recovery and that it is actually helping you recover from the stressing. Because otherwise if it's this perfect example of frothy and frivolous.

if it's just empty and no substance, then afterwards you don't feel any better. Well, it's like working out and then eating something frothy that doesn't add nutrition. Exactly. So you're like, I still feel tired. I still feel exhausted. I still feel hungry. I'm like, I'm not filled. Here's how I ask my clients. I'm like, after you do that, do you feel ready to reengage? Yeah. And that's a great question because you're like, no, I don't. I feel...

Okay, then it wasn't it wasn't good recovery exactly yeah So Ultimately There are things that you're going to have to identify in your life based on What your long -term goals are what your vision is what this? Sense of your best self is there are things you're going you are going to have to reduce or give up

Rachel Denning (39:52.333)
or exchange in order to.

make progress on who you want to become and what you want to achieve. There are sacrifices that have to be made sometimes. Yeah, yes, you're right. But interestingly, it's more of an idea. You think if you give up good tasting food, you think if you're going to eat healthy, you have to give up the good tasting food. But that's just not the case. I know it seems like it when you're doing it. You're like, I love this stuff. It's so good and everything else tastes like crap.

But that's just a lack of creativity. And it's your conditioning. And conditioning, right. You're just so conditioned to massive amounts of sugar, then anything else is like, oh, this tastes like cardboard. But it's your conditioning or lack of creativity. Like you could find, again, this is true with everything. You're going to find stuff that is both entertaining, relaxing, where you get recovery, but it's so enjoyable. You genuinely enjoy it. And you want to do it. Right. Yeah.

Um, oh dang it, I was gonna say something else, but I lost it. So hopefully it'll come back. Oh, about sacrificing.

And it's gone again. It's gone again. It literally was like right there. Okay, anyway. So there's going to be some of that. I would invite all of you to do some soul searching and reflection. And I know this sounds like you've heard this stuff before and it almost sounds cliche, but like you've got to get clear of what it is you value most. What is it you value most?

Rachel Denning (41:37.677)
really want? Do you want entertainment or do you want results? And in some very real instances you cannot have both. So what do you want the most? And if you, if you, I can't imagine anyone saying, yeah I'd rather have entertainment than a great life. Like, it can happen I guess. Well, there are people. I mean I do know that there are people and here's the reason why. I think the people who

believe that that's what they want, it very often occurs because they cannot, maybe they're not capable of envisioning something different for them. Or they think it's just too hard, too far, or impossible for them. Or too impossible, like too, it's just too much. So they can't envision anything better or different from what they have and so they think, well,

Yeah, of course I want this. Why would I want to read instead? Or why would I want to work out? Or why would I want to do those things? They're not enjoyable like this is enjoyable, so I don't want to exchange that. And eventually that comes down to, I think, just a lack of vision. Yep, agreed. And exposure. So in my customary way of...

baby steps are for babies. Oh, this is what it was going to be. It's back. It was about sacrificing and exchanging and giving up those things. And I was going to say, sometimes, I know you're going to chime in your part here, sometimes that sacrifice comes in making 1 % improvements. And sometimes that sacrifice is in going cold turkey. You just cut it out and you're done.

you know, one of your coaching clients, I was recently working on your sales page for the Be The Man Masterclass and one of the testimonials said that you challenged them to give up soda and they just gave it up cold turkey. They were drinking soda like every day and then they just had for decades and then gave it up. And at the time of the testimonial had been eight months, no soda. So sometimes it is, it's you just cut it out and you're done. And sometimes you're like, you know what, I'm going to

Rachel Denning (43:52.109)
steadily make 1 % improvements every day or every week so that you know by the end of the year I've made significant improvements. And I've had coaching clients do both. But I think the first step is like get really clear about what you value most. So in that example, do you value your soda on your taste buds or your health, long -term health? Which one do you value more? And if you really settle in... Well, I just want to add a thing here.

Because long -term health, that sounds vague. In reality, and this is true with everyone, with the coaching client, they get a specific vision of what it is they want, whether that's losing weight or being able to have a specific time on a run or whatever their specific goal is. That's what they get in their mind that is more important than the soda. Not just like, oh, I want to be healthy. Just general, right? That's not driving or motivating enough. I want energy. I want vitality. I want to live to be 140. I'm tired of this thing. Yep.

And so there's passion and purpose and drive there. And you're like, yeah, okay. And then when you do your homework, you're like, hey, so does this not helping me. It's not good for me. Right? And so it's out. It goes because it doesn't align. So this is where I was going. Seek alignment. Seek congruence. Get really clear about, you know what? This is what's really important to me. And then scan through your life and your habits and your daily patterns and say, is any of this...

either getting in the way or at least not contributing. And then this is the whole baby steps are for babies part. You get rid of it. Just go. I mean, that's my approach of like, okay, this is what I want. I'm doing these things that aren't helping me gone and they're gone. And I'm not just gonna leave a void because the void will create a vacuum. It'll suck something else in there. So I'm going to replace it with something that I know will be helpful. Ooh, that's good. Okay. Are we ready to talk about?

living a great story. Yes, in conclusion. Yes, so the big underlying core of all this, the foundation for all of it, and either the problem or the solution to all of it is ultimately so much of entertainment is watching somebody else live a life. Isn't that interesting? Watching someone else's hero's journey. Right, so yeah, if you're familiar with the hero's journey, you're watching that and it could be...

Rachel Denning (46:18.349)
Like that comes out in songs and it comes out in TV shows and it comes out in either YouTube videos or sports or whatever. Like sports is an easy example of like you're watching somebody else play. And to me I was always like - Play and win. Play and win. You want that. You're like this struggle and this challenge and like the elation and even the pain of losing. You feel it with them. But for me I've always been like wait a minute.

Why would I watch someone else play sports when I could play sports? Why would I live vicariously through someone else when I could live myself? And so I've always had this high value of living my own life story. So that ultimately, if your life story is exciting enough, you don't need or even want the entertainment as

as a cheap substitute. It's just a replacement, you're right. It's like I don't even want that because my own life story that I'm actively living is so great. I don't even have time or interest to watch other people's little things, whatever they're doing. Like, hey, good for you. Like, I'm living. But I have found again and again, and this might be a hard pill to swallow for some people, if you're constantly consuming entertainment, I'm just going to lovingly say this, it's because you're not living a great story.

Because people with a purpose don't waste time. People with a purpose, they don't sleep in. People with a purpose, they're not entertaining themselves to death with that unending stream of visual trash. One of your favorite quotes. I love it. And that's not to say that there's no place for watching other people's stories because we can be very inspired.

by other people's stories. But ultimately the point is, if all you do is watch other people's story and never take action to create your own great story, then ultimately it's for not. It's for nothing. You should watch other stories in order to be inspired to live your own great life story. And it's so fascinating, I know for myself and I can't be the only one out there.

Rachel Denning (48:40.397)
when I do engulf myself in someone else's story, meaning like I watch a movie or I watch several episodes of a series. Or a great book. And sometimes with books, but more so for me with visual entertainment. I end up spending a lot of time thinking about that story. You especially do. And I replay it again and again and again in my head. And I have to keep telling myself, why am I playing?

this story over in my head when I could be thinking about my own life and how to make it better and what to do to live my own dreams instead of thinking about this show I watched. And so I think that's often a part of this exchange rate we have to make is we have to give up living vicariously in order to really live.

Yes. Ooh, that's quotable, babe, right there. You have to give up living vicariously in order to really live. And there may be a gap. There may be a gap. Maybe this pain point in this void. There's going to be a gap. Like, oh crap, so I give up living vicariously, now what do I do? Exactly. And there might, you might feel a void and you might feel some pain. I'm pretty confident you're going to feel some fear. Yes, there is. And some self -doubt and some trepidation, but...

Ultimately, you have to create your own extraordinary family life. Yes, there is ultimately going to be a gap for sure. Because there can't not be a gap. You are in a certain place and in order to get where you want to be, you don't know how to do that. You're not doing the things to get you there because if you were, you'd already be there. So yes, there's a gap. And it is painful.

But like you always say, this has been a thought from Greg and Rachel Denning. No, it's painful. Good luck with that. How about this? It's painful and it's going to be way harder than you think it is right now. Wow, you are sure laying on the pessimism. But like you always say, hey, you know what? Sometimes we have to speak the truth and it kicks you in the teeth. But like you always say, where there's pain, there's power. And the pain is ultimately the power that drives you to transform your life.

Rachel Denning (51:08.813)
Yes! And so the entertainment, living vicariously, is swaging the pain. It's like this frothy substance. You're trying to fill the void of living your own life and you're like, I'm not going to do it. So I'll fill it with some bubbles and some foam of somebody else's life and it's trying to fill this void. But what you have to do is you have to pull that out of there and face the emptiness, face the void, face the abyss inside of you that says,

You're not living a very great story right now. And let that be a driver. To transform. Your lame life. Into a great life. Exactly. I thought you were going to say your lame self. It will be nice. But it's true, it's real. And so, and I want to make sure like that you all know we've been there. Absolutely. We've been there. Multiple times.

for months or years or even brief moments where your actions and behaviors are so far below your potential. And you're just like, you know what, self, you suck right now. But I love you. But I love you, but you still suck and make this right. And then you take action. Now you move. Oh, the universe and results, they love speed.

You act on it, you get an inspiration. If this has inspired you to do something, act on it. Do something to take action on it. But start moving. And I've seen this time and time again in my own life and people I've worked with, that when they start to even taking baby steps in the right direction towards actually living their own great life story, all of these other things melt away. They literally just go away. And months later or weeks later, they're like, that thing I used to struggle with, I don't even think.

think about it anymore because I'm living my own great life story. Yeah. Boo yah! Amen. Okay, go make it happen. Love you guys. Reach upward.