#298 Get on the Same Page With Your Spouse to Create Marriage Magic & a Family Legacy

Greg & Rachel Denning (00:04.794)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We're your host, Greg and Rachel Denning. Today we're going to talk about marriage. That's your favorite way to start this topic. It's it's the only way. Everyone who has ever seen Princess Bride, whenever you talk about marriage, gotta, you can't, you can't say, hey, we're going talk about marriage. is what brings us together today. And I wholeheartedly can say that marriage is the most important relationship in life.

It's the best, well, it can be. It can be the best relationship in life. And it is the factor for happiness and joy and meaning and fulfillment and purpose. Well, I think it can either bring the most happiness in life or it can add the most misery. Right? Depending on what kind of marriage relationship you have. And so the better your marriage relationship is,

the more happiness you'll experience in life and the more happiness your children will experience in life because that's directly connected. If you have a better marriage, you're gonna have a happier family, you're gonna have happier kids. And of course, then the opposite. are more likely to have a better marriage if you have a better marriage. So the more you and I work on our marriage, the more likely our kids are to have a great marriage. Because we're modeling for them what's possible. Especially as they get older.

and become more cognizant and in those years right before they move out and start looking for their own spouse, that's what's gonna sink in. That's what they're gonna keep and capture and think, yeah, I want that. And they'll see how to make it work. Yeah, and then on the opposite side, of course, that if your marriage relationship is mediocre or it's not great at all, that also is going to make you more miserable and make your family more miserable and potentially lead to...

your children having poor relationships or not even wanting to have relationships as a result. In the rare case, like in your case, it actually pushes you to learn how to create great relationships, but that's more the exception than the rule. Yeah, very rare. Yeah. So, I mean, it is. It's a huge deal. And we also know, because many people have said it to us, that the alternative for many people is just like, well, I'm just going to get a dog instead of having a wife.

Greg & Rachel Denning (02:30.758)
because that's too much work. Wives are hard. Wives are difficult. Being married is difficult. It's a challenge, right? And so we have to, I think what we have to do is instead of throwing it out and dismissing it and saying, well, what's the point of getting married? Let's just live together. Let's just have short-term relationships because that's not proven to provide more happiness either. And that's not our audience. So there's the guy with the dog and then there's the people, whatever.

The bulk of our audience are, you guys are here, it's a family podcast. I would say- You're married. I don't think anyone's like, yeah, let's just throw this off, that crap doesn't work. Although we do know people personally that that's happened to. One of our listeners here and one of our friends and who's been a coaching client as well, she just sent us a message recently and was like, what in the world is going on? Four of my friends just recently got divorced. Their husband just left them. Yeah. And they had at least three kids each.

And she was wondering like, what's happening? What's going on? And same. Yeah. So it is happening. We're seeing it. So it is happening and it's terrible. And I don't know of any divorces that were like, Hey, that was a great experience. We just love that. know, everything's better. It's just a crap sandwich. Okay. Besides the fact that I've talked about this before, people think that they will be happier if they get divorced. But the statistics, the research actually shows that people who thought about getting divorced and stayed together five years later, they were happier.

But people who thought about getting divorced and got divorced five years later, they were still miserable. And besides the fact that if you get divorced and then you try to get into another relationship, which that's just human nature, we want to be in a long-term relationship. That's normal. So if you try to do that, all you're doing is actually exponentially multiplying your challenges. Because instead of trying to figure out how to now work with one person, your spouse that is now your ex-spouse, now you're bringing in his new

person and your new person and their children, like you're, you're literally multiplying your relationships, which actually just makes it harder. So it is easier to, yeah, is. Right. And that it's happening a ton. it's possible to sort that out. But I'm saying like, if you're in that situation, considering it, and we did a whole episode about when to consider divorce and we talked through those things, but really if you can make it work, you should try to make it work because that's

Greg & Rachel Denning (04:56.272)
That's where you're more likely to find happiness, is working through the problems. Where we want to focus today is on making it amazing. Yeah, what we want to focus on is the vision, the big picture, like looking past all of that, because you may be facing that right now, you may not. Things may be going great, but how do you go from things are not great or things are great to things are incredible?

Things are extraordinary. In my experience, most couples are in a state of things are okay. Yeah. And that's just the norm. So, I mean, that's what's normal. That's what's common. That's what's average. That's what's mediocre. Like the vast majority of married people are in this and things are okay. And if you were to ask them, they're like, let's survive this together. That's kind of survival mode. Let's just make it work. But we want to say forget the whole make it work.

target, that target's way too low. Let's make it absolutely amazing. Yeah. And I think that that's sometimes why people don't have a more amazing relationship is because for many people, they actually are setting the bar too low. And I don't think people understand the psychology behind this. When you set higher goals, when you bigger visions and dreams, you achieve

more and have more happiness because you have the high targets, not the other way around. And so if we don't set high expectations, we actually miss out on some of the happiness and growth we could achieve because of those. Even though people think it's the other way, they're like, what's the point of setting goals? I'm just going to end up being disappointed or what, you know, going to fall short. The reality is it's the other way around. When we are pursuing something bigger, greater than us,

That's when we have the opportunity to actually achieve and experience more happiness in the pursuit as part of that process, right? So in a very real way.

Greg & Rachel Denning (07:08.066)
Our happiness, our fulfillment, joy is limited by the current level of our marriage relationship. I want that to sink in because if what we're saying is true and we've experienced it, we've taught it to people all around the world, that as the quality of the marriage relationship goes up,

And I would say there's a lot of people who don't know yet, they haven't experienced it. It's true for all of us. Until we experience it ourselves, it's this vague like, oh, it could be better. You know, I've heard about that. But until you experience it yourself, it's a limiter. Right. And so the, what's the word, the fullness, the fulfillment, the actualization.

of our full potential and full joy and bliss and the whole life experience is limited by the quality of our marriage. Which is true, but then the quality of our marriage, tying it back into what we said, is limited by the expectations of what our marriage could be. Because most of us grow up either with... We saw an okay marriage modeled...

Maybe we saw a great one or we saw a not great one modeled for us. And then we look around and we see average marriages. And so the expectation of what marriage can be is limited. really low. Yeah, you're right. you listeners, how many couples do you know, sincerely know, you know behind the scenes, not the facade they put on, legitimately behind the scenes, how many people do you know that have a phenomenal marriage?

We know thousands of people across dozens of countries, and I could only name a few that I think. On one hand, maybe. Yeah, it's maybe two hands where I'm like, yeah, they have an absolutely extraordinary marriage. Now this isn't to like make people feel bad as though everybody's failing in the whole world. I think the point is it's a societal problem.

Greg & Rachel Denning (09:23.332)
It's not necessarily any couple's fault. It's the fact that we don't have it modeled for us in the world. We don't have anyone out there showing us this is how to do marriage. This is how to do it right. This is how to do it well. Simply because it's not out there. That's why so few people are achieving what is possible. And we don't they don't even know it's possible. Right. So part. So they're not investing enough into it.

which is what I really want to emphasize today. We're not putting enough investment into it. We're just, again, it's nobody's fault. We're not throwing anybody under the bus here. It's this idea of, it's every aspect of life. Very few human beings will grab hold of any aspect of their life and be like, yep, I'm all in. I'm going after this. I'm gonna master this and I'm gonna dominate this aspect of my life. Most of us just,

just by default, because we're born into a society that does it, and this is everywhere, you're just kind of like, we're just surviving. We're going to get by. going maybe do it well. But we're saying the most important relationship in life is worth all the effort and all the investment that you can put into it to get it to a level that I would hope is beyond even your highest expectation.

because that's totally possible. Yeah. Yeah, it is. And that's the emphasis we want to talk about today because first we want to hold up this ideal. Like that's always been a part of our mission and goal with the podcast and everything we do with the coaching. that's what I was going to say, also a part of our own success because you and I live by that. We live by holding it. for some reason, I don't know what it is about us.

You and I thrive over having this ideal in front of us that seems potentially unattainable and yet somehow is exciting and inspiring. Now, I'll admit, sometimes, during certain times of the month, especially for me, that can also feel crushing and overwhelming and depressing. But for the most part, I am a very ambitious person and I am driven by high ideals. I love the idea of

Greg & Rachel Denning (11:49.274)
doing something the best that I can do it. And so everything that you and I undertake, including our marriage, we're all in. We're doing it the very best that we can and we're researching, studying, figuring out how can we make this absolutely extraordinary. So that's the first step here. We're trying to hold up this ideal. It is possible, no matter where you're at, to make your marriage even better than it is now. To get to the point where things are as you dream they could be, right? That is possible.

So, but the challenge is nobody knows that and nobody knows how to do that. So we're gonna walk through, how do we do that? How do we get to that place? How do we make our extraordinary marriage ideal a reality? Because we're doing the first step by telling you it's possible, right? Or we're going to tell you, unless you're some sort of weird mutant alien from another planet, it is possible for you to create

a more extraordinary marriage relationship. Absolutely. And I don't know how to best describe it except that you go to bed.

with each other, it's peaceful and happy. So I want you to picture this, you guys, while you're sitting here listening. It's like you climb into bed and you're contented, like, and joyful and in love and you're best friends and you just had an awesome day. And then you wake up and you're like, yeah, it's another day. Maybe even a better way to describe it because it's...

the opposite perhaps of what most people's regular experience is. You're not distant and cold from one another. You're not avoiding each other or avoiding certain topics. You're not... Coexisting like roommates? Yeah, simply coexisting as roommates handling the transactional things that need to happen. But we're sincerely living in a state of joy

Greg & Rachel Denning (14:03.214)
and enjoyment with each other because there's no walls, there's no barriers, there's no... Grudges, exactly. None of that is existing. And or if it comes up, it's resolved quickly. Now, I think that's something I definitely want to emphasize because that's one of the keys...

One of the key ingredients to this whole process of creating a more extraordinary marriage, it's learning to understand what I love to call the anatomy of an argument and then how to resolve those conflicts quickly and sincerely, not like some fake fix, right? But like we've we sincerely resolve the issue so that it's done. It's gone. It's in the past. We move on. We can move forward and onward and upward. So we're not putting it in a folder and.

filing it away so we can bring it out a pin in this. Because there might be some day where I get angry at you and I'm going to bring out this folder again and bring it. It's like, we're burning it. Yeah, it's done. But it's resolved also too. when we learn to understand these specific elements and we gain the tools for using them in our everyday marriage life,

then we begin to live in a state of trust, complete trust, openness, love, respect, fill in the blank, What's the word for cherished, cherishment? I want a word like that. Cherishment. I love it. So it's the positive emotions.

And again, it's not like you're living in Pollyanna world and we don't have any problems or issues. Pollyanna is awesome. I don't know why she gets started, but that book is phenomenal and we all ought to live there more often. you know what I mean. We're not avoiding problems. We're not avoiding conflict. it's not, I get what you're saying, but I wanna just kind of.

Greg & Rachel Denning (16:17.382)
debunk that whole idea of like, you and your rose colored glasses, why don't you come back to reality? That's just choosing a level of reality. We all get to choose our own level of reality. And so we can choose to be blah and humbug. And we can choose to be like, well, look, it's just life. I got to pay the bills. I still have to do things I don't want. have to sweep the floor and vacuum and wash dishes and blah, I'm not going be happy. Or you could switch it and be like, no, yeah, I still have to do all those things.

but I'm not going to do this just transactionally. I'm not, we're not just going to play house together as a couple. You know, let's just get the kids out and then we'll retire. I don't know. We'll do something. Right. See the grandkids. What a lame life. We don't have to live that way. And so we can choose deliberately to be best friends and to be blissful and joyful and happy. Like you and I were coming up on 24 years of marital bliss and

It doesn't have to fade. No, doesn't have to go away. doesn't have to become transactional and think, you know, it was pretty dang exciting the first six months of our marriage. But you know, since then, it's been pretty, you know, OK, it's been OK. Now, we don't have to live like that. Right. It is. It has been amazing. And we're still.

Not even still, we're more in love now than we were when we first got married. Like that's true. But I also don't want people to envision this idea that first of all, in order for us to get there, we did have to confront and work through together some pretty big issues. Like We had to work through what happens when I stop wanting sex because now I have all these kids and I'm exhausted and blah blah, you know, all of that. How do we work through that?

How do we work through how we're gonna parent our children? Like whether or not we allow video games. There have been issues we've had to work through together. All the disagreements, all the times we disagree on approach or perspective or habits or parenting strategies, lifestyle choices. We had to work through all of those and man, we disagreed a lot. Absolutely.

Greg & Rachel Denning (18:36.526)
So that's the only aspect I'm trying to present here is that we're not saying rainbows and unicorns and cupcakes all the time. We're saying, no, there are going to be real. no dadgum cupcakes allowed. Our life is nothing but rainbows and unicorns and no cupcakes. That is what makes us happy. No, okay. But you know, so there have been real issues we have had to face and work through. And I guess part of what I want to emphasize here too,

is that it's the very fact that we have been willing to engage in those conflicts. And I'm using the word conflict on purpose because there's actually a difference between conflict and let's say contention. Or even fighting. Or fighting, yeah. Because conflict is simply the natural state of having to deal with something that you disagree with or that makes you uncomfortable.

that requires a bit of conflict, but that does not require you to fight or to be rude or mean to each other, right? You can have conflict and still have respect and love and appreciation and negotiation skills. So it's a higher form of fighting or working through your problems, right? So there has been conflict.

And it's been our willingness to engage in the conflict rather than to avoid it or to ignore it or to whatever, fill in the blank, that has actually helped our marriage get better, especially because as we engaged in conflict resolution, we actually got better at it, which then made our marriage better. So it was like this perpetuating positive feedback loop.

Which is what I was going to say is it's, it's the willingness and the skillset to figure out like what works, what doesn't work. Because Most of us honestly make marriage way harder than it needs to be. I it's hard. It's challenging. It's difficult, but there's little things we do or don't do that make it that much harder. That's self-sabotage, man. Stop doing that. So while you're sitting here talking, in fact, the whole time we've been talking, I'm just literally geeking out inside them all.

Greg & Rachel Denning (21:04.112)
Giddy because I'm picturing we're leading a trip couples trip to Scotland and our couples trips have been some of our all-time favorite memories and adventures. They are off the charts. Awesome. We will we lead couples trips first of all because You and I have made a commitment as again as we're talking through these strategies one of our strategies is that every year well most every year that we can

we try to go on a quote unquote honeymoon trip, right? the two of us. And then we started turning those into couples trips because we were like, wow, we can have other couples come and have an amazing time. And so we've been to Morocco, on a couples trip. We've hiked the Inca trail, We chartered a private yacht around the Galapagos, We went to Thailand. That was awesome. And this year we're going, we're renting, we're going to stay at a castle in the Scottish Highlands.

which is going to be incredible. And that's one of our favorite places on I love Scotland. love Scotland, wow! It's amazing. But the reason I'm thinking about it is because in this retreat, this experience, we're going have so much fun and do so many cool things, create these memories. But we're also going to work through these things and give the couples that come, and it's very limited space, but they get the specific tools.

and strategies to do exactly what we're talking about. And because you and I get to do coaching every week, I do it every day, I've seen what happens when an individual learns how to let go of things, process things, remove old habits that aren't serving them anymore, and create a track, like become a new person. And what that does to the marriage and to the kids.

And most importantly, to the family legacy. Right. Which is kind of what I wanted to talk about today. The big vision is the family legacy. But going back for a second to what you said, because you were saying that so many people make marriage harder than it has to be through self-sabotage. But one of the reasons they do that is because they don't know what they don't know.

Greg & Rachel Denning (23:24.496)
They often don't understand that they're doing the very thing that is helping them get what they don't want. I remember in some of our coaching, we've talked to people and one common pattern we see is, especially if the spouses are trying to change and they're trying to help each other. And let's give an example of, know, the wife wants the husband to take her on dates or something. And so he comes home.

And he's like, babe, let's go out on a date, you know? And instead of her responding, which is what you should do naturally, right? If you're trying to make your marriage better, that would be awesome. Let's do it, let's go. And putting all plans on hold, right? Instead we get upset and we're like, why didn't you plan ahead? And why didn't you this? And why didn't you that? And do it the way- have me yesterday. Right, and so inadvertently, we're actually-

Creating more of what we don't want we're telling them by the way We respond to their little attempt to make our marriage better and give us more of what we want We're responding in a way that ensures they don't do that again. They're gonna be like, I'm not asking her on a date anymore because when I do She just complains right? got a perfect little bit of self-sabotage that's going on there, right? now

before you share that, that's not to excuse the guy and say like, well, guys don't have to do any planning or he shouldn't, you know, we're not saying any of that. But what we are saying is when anyone in your life makes the smallest effort to try to be better, especially your spouse, we have to encourage and praise and give positive energy to that so that we can receive more of that in our life. Yes. Yes. Yes. I was just thinking about the time.

Like I wanted, I wanted and still want sex every day. Just because you're so hot. Just because you're a man. You're amazing. And so this was years ago and it was a source of conflict. Especially in my childbearing years. Pregnant, nursing, sleepless nights.

Greg & Rachel Denning (25:43.686)
of kids touching touching touching touching sleeping in your bed sideways kicking one of us punching the other it was it was those were tough years but awesome and I missed the chubby little kids during that time so somewhere in that time you made a deliberate effort because you know how important it was and you

I began to understand how important it was because before that I didn't understand. I was more, you know, was resentful or resistant because I just thought this is a you problem. Like just deal with it. I some self-control. to be a wife. I'm a mom now. Exactly. Like let me live my life. And I remember you came to me, you you, you were sitting, I could tell you've been thinking about it. You've been wrestling with it and you're just like, okay.

And this was was an awesome effort on your part to move towards what I wanted. And you're like, let's schedule it. And at the time I was like. How dare you? You can't schedule passionate love making love making that spontaneous in the moment because you were doing the dishes and I thought it was sexy. You can't schedule this crap.

And that was my initial reaction.

No schedule of put that on your calendar, right? My reaction and you are taking a step in the right direction, right? Now, at the time, it wasn't like what I was anticipating or the meaning I gave it. and I reacted to you and to that idea. But it was that example of like, no, like I should have been celebrating the crap out of that, like because we're like, hey, I want it more. And you're like, I'm exhausted.

Greg & Rachel Denning (27:37.658)
Okay, let's schedule it so I at least know when it's coming. And that was the beginning of me understanding how a woman's mind works and how your mind works specifically. But I was resistant to it because it didn't operate with how mine works. That's a classic example of like, wait a minute, she's trying to make an effort to do the things that I want. Like, yeah, let's go. Because clearly on the schedule, on the calendar for

three nights a week is way better than fighting over it for once or twice a week, right? Exactly. you're exhausted and not ready. Anyways, that was just an example of that you shared that. I don't remember actually you responding negatively to that. that speak something. Right, maybe it was more internal. How could she? But I do remember. No, I gotta say this. I remember I thought like, that's how...

Like low I am on her priority list that she has to put me on her calendar. Like I don't have to calendar her in. She's the only thing I ever think about. Right, exactly. But from my perspective, trying to understand this whole aspect of you that was different than me, because I also remember being shocked learning about things about a man and how they think and that they think about sex so much and all of these things, you know, and, and

I realized that I had to make mental space for something that was, that mattered to you because most often what was happening in my mind was I had this whole mental to-do list. I've got to the kids. Which didn't didn't include sex, right? Which you obviously probably still even don't understand to this day, but how could My calendar is just filled with...

Any opportunity for sex. Right. I do other stuff while I'm waiting. You'll fill it in the blanks with everything else. But you know, I had to make mental space to realize, no, this has to be a part of my life, just like all the other things are a part of my life. You know, I to take care of the kids and do this and do this. And so that was my solution of like, OK, I'm simply going to make mental space for it so that when you approach me with it, I'm not... Because really, that was what it was.

Greg & Rachel Denning (29:59.76)
you would approach me and I'd be like, but wait. I already have stuff. I have things on the calendar and if I don't get dinner done, don't, you know, I don't, then this doesn't happen. And then the kids don't go to bed and then I'm exhausted. And then, you know, and so it's spiraling out of control and catastrophizing simply because I didn't make mental space in my calendar for that to happen. So I think that that is a great example there, a case study of some of the small ways that ended up being big ways.

that we're self-sabotaging and not providing space for our marriage to be as amazing as it can be. Because once we're able to work through that specific conflict, well now we have an incredible sex life, right? And you know, it's amazing on so many levels and it adds value to our life and our marriage.

because we make time for it and because we give it the attention that it deserves, right? That's just one example of how we can come to a more extraordinary... That's not an Indian, Indian joke there. How we can get to a more extraordinary marriage by getting the strategies, the tools to work through these different areas of conflict in our relationships. Which is why, like a retreat, our Scotland retreat, our trips,

They're so powerful because at least at least in my experience and working with many, many, many couples over years, most people and most couples don't carve out the space and make the time and effort to walk through those processes. And if they try, they often don't know how. They don't have the skills. of the coaching experience and the retreat experience. So especially something like this with the Scotland one, it's going to be just a few couples.

And we're going to do the work, right? We're going to go through the process and the tools and the steps and get into the specifics and carve out a space. What's awesome about these is you leave the kids at home, taking care of by somebody else. You leave work at home, you leave all the other stuff at home, and you just focus on each other. Yes. And on your marriage. That is rare. It is very rare, but

Greg & Rachel Denning (32:20.07)
From my experience and from all the clients we've worked with, it's something that has to happen at least every year. It's a must. A must. It's not optional. One of the huge advantages we have had, because early on we began designing our life in a way that we could work from home, both of us, and we did homeschool, and so we were spending basically 24-7, 365 days a year together, that you and I always prioritized

working through those things, often to the detriment or at least temporary detriment of the business or even homeschooling. If something was off between us, if there was some sort of conflict, everything else went on hold and we figured it out. Whether that took hours or days or rarely weeks, know, everything else went on hold and we worked through those conflicts.

so that we could get to the resolutions. And as a result, we've been able to gain a lot of skills and understanding and practices that help us be able to do that amazingly now and to be able to teach it to other people. But that's a disadvantage. Exactly. But that's the disadvantage that a lot of people have is because they're living these separate lives where they're going to work, they're going to school, they're apart. A lot of the time, there's just not as much time to focus on

doing the work, if that's what we want to call it. And that's why something like this is an opportunity because it gives you that time and space to be able to do some of that work, which has huge payoffs. It pays dividends. That's why it's an investment because the dividends are huge and the compounding effect, everything in life comes down to a compound effect. And everything compounds, positive or negative.

So a bad habit will compound, a good habit will compound. Investments in our marriage compound. And you and I teach this all the time. like if we're not deliberately working on our marriage, then by default, we are automatically working on our divorce. And so it's compounding either direction all the time. And for me, from my perspective, I'm no, I'm gonna invest in the marriage. And I know the vast majority of you listening, you're like, yeah, my marriage is most important thing.

Greg & Rachel Denning (34:40.794)
And you say that, you say, yeah, my spouse is the most important person in my life. But saying it and doing it are different things. And we often don't prioritize it enough. And I can sit down, I do this, I sit down with couples and I sit down with people. like, you you tell me that your husband is the most important person, your wife's the most important person, but you literally just chose to watch that game.

and spend time with her. Or you literally just chose to go out with your girlfriends and instead of spend time with him, he asked for something or she asked for something or they wanted and you just like, but I gotta do this other thing. You just right in front of her, right in front of him chose someone else or something else and put it in front of them. But then you say, well, no, you're the most important person. And it's just not happening.

on the level that it could and should. And that's why the trip is the catalyst for major transformation. Right, especially if you're wanting to get to that more extraordinary level, there are sacrifices, quote unquote, to be made. Now I say quote unquote because really when you end up having the relationship you want, you realize that it wasn't actually a sacrifice. You're like, wow, yeah, this is way better. This is exactly everything I've wanted.

Somebody one time said, it's not a sacrifice if you get back more than you give. Exactly. And so anything I'm sacrificing to make my marriage better, it hails in comparison to what we get. Right. Especially in context, let's talk about like legacy stuff. in the context of that. That as it compounds in our favor and it just gets better and better and better, and our kids are watching it get better, and then the grandkids,

And this family legacy that we get to build deliberately, independent of wherever we came from. So for all of you listening, it doesn't matter how you grew up. doesn't matter whether the family you grew up in did a great job or did a crappy job. You have a choice right now to be the stopping point in dysfunctional family generations. Yeah. Or

Greg & Rachel Denning (37:04.474)
generational dysfunctions. Yes. you want to say it, Just like, no, it ends right here. It stops right now. It stops with me. I'm the change. And we're going to create something better. Yeah. But it won't happen by default. It won't happen by accident. It won't happen just by letting time pass. Sometimes we think, our marriage is just going to get better as it goes on. No. Nope. It's not a...

Fine wine. It doesn't just get better with time. And get better by just sitting there. That doesn't happen. The opposite happens. As your marriage gets all filled with weeds and mold and barnacles and this is just great. We're just roommates. We've been roommates for a long time. And what we're saying is it doesn't have to be like that. You guys can get on the same page.

and we can help you do that, give you the specific steps and strategies and systems to get on the same page to build that legacy. Well, and that's, that is why I want to emphasize this aspect of it because I truly believe one of the reasons we have been so driven to making a great marriage besides the obvious benefits of doing that is that you and I have a very large vision of the family legacy that we are.

trying to build. Like we have a huge vision of what that looks like that is generational. It's impacting our grandchildren, great grandchildren. And that vision requires that we have an extraordinary relationship. Like we cannot build that without it. Now, if a couple doesn't have that, then there's even less motivation to try to do the work required to make a great relationship.

And so I think it's a critical component that I'm emphasizing here that you've got to create a shared legacy, a shared vision. And of course, one of the most common complaints we hear is, well, how do we get on the same page for that? Because he wants this and I want that and, you know, X, Y, Z, all of these obstacles in the way.

Greg & Rachel Denning (39:19.812)
And we get it. that's, you know, that's why we've emphasized the conflicts you and I have had to work through. We get it. Like we've been there. We have had to work through these issues because you and I are very different people. We have very different personalities. We want very different things. And so we've had to use specific strategies to help us be able to move through the conflict, have the discussions and get on the same page.

so that we can create a shared vision that's a combination of what we both want or even better, it's something beyond what we, either of us could have originally imagined, right? Because in some ways that's what it morphs into and you're like, wow, I could have never imagined that. And it's even better than what we thought was possible. It is possible to get there, but it does take time, effort and space.

where you're dedicated to working on that thing and and and feeling the love and the romance and the passion and the excitement and the motivation. The setting matters, the environment matters, getting all the distractions out of the way matters like leaving the kids somewhere else. And it's just the two of you working on you and your marriage and your legacy. That's when the real magic happens. So, you know, I know people will well, we could just do it. We'll just do it. You can. We'll sit down at the kitchen table.

But you probably won't. you probably won't. And it's not going to be near as impactful. It's just not. It's just not. But when you go away and you and I have done this, we did like one year recently, we did like six getaway trips. Just the two of us. did. It was awesome year. I think it was five. we somehow, we didn't plan it. We happened to take five different getaway trips, just the two of us.

One of them was going to Scotland. We went to the Mediterranean coast in Turkey. I don't remember what else we did, but we did. I think we went to Villa Coste or no, we went to the Dolomites in Italy. That was quite a year, but that was an exception. We usually don't take that many trips together, but there is something very magical. In fact, this actually reminded me of how we started off because you talked about Melwage is what brings us together in The Princess Bride. And that was actually one of the movies I loved watching.

Greg & Rachel Denning (41:45.23)
as a kid, it was one of my favorite movies. And you know, they have a song in there about storybook love. And when you and I were deciding whether or not to move to Portugal, again, one of the conflicts we had to work through, because at the time we were living in a normal, boring neighborhood in Georgia, the state, and you were very discontented there. And so we came to Portugal.

to see if we should move here, which is of course now we, where we are, we're living in Portugal. And we had, we were here for 10 days and we just had such a magical time, just the two of us. And I remember that somehow that song came up and I started playing it and I just felt like this is our song. This is our story. Like we have this storybook love that's so beautiful and so magical, but it happens because we have.

the shared vision and because we take and make the time and energy to have this time away with each other, where we get to focus on just each other and our goals and our dreams and our passion and our love. It doesn't happen by accident. We have to take deliberate action to make it happen because otherwise we just end up with default. And for me, that's not okay. It's unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable. Agreed.

So in a very real way, I guess the invitation today is be willing to raise your marriage standard. Because in life we get what we tolerate. In marriage we get what we tolerate. And so if we've been tolerating mediocrity in any way, shape, or form inside the marriage, just say, you know what, that stops. We're gonna raise the standard. It is absolutely unacceptable to be roommates, to just coexist.

to merely be transactional, to check the little marriage boxes of like, we're doing this stuff and things that married people are supposed to do. Like, no way. That's done. And then you're forced, because you raised the standard, then you're forced to find solutions. Like crap, we've been doing that for a long time. Now what do I do? And I guess I wanna extend this invitation. Obviously this trip is not for everybody.

Greg & Rachel Denning (44:08.07)
It is a big, we take everybody. Well, we only have a few spots left. And so this is for a few of you to really invest and really commit and to create a genuinely unforgettable experience and transformation to lean into kind of the, the, iconic power couple state and legacy building.

Like see yourself 20 years from now, 30 years from now. What does that look like for your big, big family legacy? And I want you to see both sides. If you just keep going as you've been going, go down that road 10, 20 years. And I asked the gentleman the other day, said, what does that look like? And he's like, honestly, it looks miserable and lonely. Because he was heading down a path that was not making his marriage magical.

And then I have clients I'm working with like, describe to me your 20 year and they're just like, Right, it's all the kids and the grandkids and everything. Family legacy that's off the charts. And the choices you make right now are determining whether you're going up towards that great legacy or down towards the other one that's an embarrassment. Exactly. And still a legacy, unfortunately.

Yeah, you're right. Unfortunately, it is still a legacy. And so, yeah, we definitely are inviting those couples to join, but for everybody else who can't necessarily join or it's not the right time. Sucks to be you. Sorry. Good luck with your life. Good luck with your life. No. There obviously is still a way to make this happen. It does require more effort on your part. You... coaching. It can't be done without coaching. No, that's definitely a part of it.

But you have to, and that's, that's the role of coaching plays. I mean, that's one of the big benefits of coaching is that it forces you to take a time once a week, at least to focus on how do I change this? How do I make this better? That's, that is the base level, the foundation there of why coaching is powerful because it's giving you that time and place to talk about something intentionally. So that's a part of it.

Greg & Rachel Denning (46:34.296)
And at the very least, like, start taking time every week to think about it, to talk about it. How can I do this? How can I change this? How can we talk about this? That's the beginning. And then of course, as you, you know, if you do that, you're going to realize, okay, I need more tools. I need more resources. I need more help.

And that's going to come in the form of it can be podcasts like this, books that we recommend, like from our book lists, obviously coaching, that can be personal coaching, group coaching. Like you just have to decide where you are in your journey and like what is the next step for our relationship? What is the next step to help us get there? For some of you, hopefully that's this trip to Scotland, because it is going to be incredible.

For the rest of you, just pick another place. What is our next step on this journey? And then, and take that action step because like you already said, Greg, if we're not intentionally working on our marriage, we're by default working on our divorce. And so you have to be intentional to work on your marriage so that you're not ending up divorced. Right. So whatever you do, don't just do nothing.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of divorce. Exactly. Couples do nothing. Or not even divorce, but just living together in misery, which is just as bad. Yeah. it's terrible. So pick something, get gritty, get intentional, get deliberate, start writing things down. I love your suggestion. That's the best place to start. It's like, Hey, wait, what would make our marriage magical?

Well, we have a whole 30-day marriage challenge that actually helps with that. It's a whole writing process that they go through. Which is so powerful. Because you just start thinking about it. You think, what would make it better? And usually, wives are better at this than husbands. Husbands be like, more sex. Right. Wives are like, I just came up with a list of 507 things. Well, the irony is it's actually the things keeping him from getting sex.

Greg & Rachel Denning (48:50.288)
that are on her list of what would make their relationship better. It can We ought to negotiate that a little bit. Can I work on a few of those and get rewarded as we go? Rewards are great. They work great. But work on it. And please don't be afraid to dream about it and hold up the ideal. I know there's a lot of you listening to this who it feels very one-sided.

Like you're the only one working on your marriage. And we want to remind you that even if you're the only one working on it, what you bring to your marriage makes your marriage better. So if you add to the sum total, whatever effort that is, it makes the marriage better. It can't not. And I know from conversations with a lot of you, it feels like you're the only one working on it.

You've been working on it for years and you feel like you're the only one that cares. As challenging and as hard as it is, keep caring and keep pushing for those changes and improvements because the alternative is just an absolute crap sandwich of misery. just keep working on it. Keep improving it. Oh man, it's, you guys, it is worth every investment.

every effort.

Greg & Rachel Denning (50:21.604)
The things I suffered watching my mom go through her fighting and divorces, whatever, just the things we suffered as kids, but the things she suffered going through that, with all these little kids, it's brutal. I can't even imagine that from her. And then I ended up out on my own and so lonely and...

I just dreamt, daydreamed, well, and dreamed at night about being married to you and creating this extraordinary life we have, which is way better than I dreamed. My dreams were pretty limited back then. And we far exceeded our dreams. And continue to do that. like the, I don't know how to adequately articulate it.

Because just the day in day out, like the stuff that people call mundane is so awesome. Like our life is so good that even the boring stuff is not even boring. Even the transactional things of just running a house and a family is like, this is awesome. Just this morning we were working out in our gym and you're like, I'm living my dream. Yeah, I was. So then our son was working out with us and Rachel and I were in the gym working out.

I was like, this is the dream. Living the dream. And it's true. And it's awesome. And it's worth it. Oh my gosh, it's worth it. invest in it. You guys invest in the coaching, invest in this retreat with us. Because you're investing in yourself and you're investing in your relationship. really invest and pay off. I ask people that. I'm like, in fact, we're going to a couple of ones and they're like, oh.

a lot of money for coaching. I'm like, okay, hold up a minute here. How much would it be worth to you to just stop fighting over the things that you guys are chronically fighting over? Because they, I've worked with several couples that, fact, a few of them, literally from the time they got married until the time I started working with them, they'd just been fighting. It was like chronic fighting. It's pretty normal. And they fight over the same dumb things. And it's just like, they get in the habit of fighting. So it's like, yeah, we've been fighting our entire marriage.

Greg & Rachel Denning (52:45.83)
I'm like, well, how does that feel? How awesome is that? We hate it. it's terrible. In fact, they came to me points like, okay, I'm done. You know, I, I, I endured the fighting for years. I'm done. I'm out of here. And I'm like, I can help you stop. And I'm like, what's that worth to you? Is it worth thousands of dollars to be done fighting and be in love? Yeah. Duh. They said, yeah, they're like,

I'm like, and the way I asked like, what's your biggest pain point in your marriage? It's like, that's terrible. And like, put a price tag on that. What's that worth to eliminate that pain and suffering from your marriage? You're like, man, I'd pay just about anything for that. And not just for this year. And I framed it like that. I'm like, what if you just go this entire year without that pain? I wow. Like, what if we like solve the problem for good and definitely the rest of your married life? Now you save your marriage.

But not only you save it, it's not just survival, it's awesome. And you go on and like, bless and love, what's that worth? Put a price tag on that. And obviously, you don't. You're like, well, duh. It's priceless. It's priceless. And so they're like, well, yeah. Then buckle up. Pay for it. But I don't have the money. Figure out how to get the money. When it matters that much, you'll find a way. I think the best news was that couple decided to sign up and...

They stopped fighting. It changed everything. can think of two couples I worked with recently. They were fighters. Man, they were fighters. And both of them, eliminated it, and they are in love. And they keep messaging me like, this is the best we've ever been. Romance, friendship, sex, raising the kids, having more kids, pursuing goals and dreams. There wasn't even any mental or emotional bandwidth to set goals.

because it was just endless fighting and just wondering, did I marry the wrong person? Yeah. And it's like, no, you're being the wrong person. You're just self-sabotage, really. You're doing it wrong. so here's these tools and strategies. to see the patterns that they were involved in but weren't aware of, understanding the anatomy of an argument and all of that. And it's not that insanely hard. All you have to do is just be open to change. And they're like, hey, try this. And you're like, try it. I'm like, wow, that actually works.

Greg & Rachel Denning (55:12.502)
Of course it works. And so at the risk of giving quote, bad advice, there were even times that Rachel and I pulled out a credit card and paid for things because we knew we had to invest in us. And in our kids. And you know, I'm not an advocate of credit card debt, but if something has to happen, then it has to happen.

and you figure out a way to make it work because it matters to

So anyways, make that happen because it's worth it.

Marriage is worth it. Yeah. It's worth it for the peace and love you feel for each other and yourself because you feel so much better. know whenever we are off, that just messes with everything else I try to do in my life. I cannot function as well when our relationship is off. And then of course that affects the children. It can't not affect the children. So for me, it's always been worth it for that. Like I am...

so passionate about ensuring that my children have great relationships and that starts with me having a great relationship. I have to model the way and I have to ensure that their childhood is filled with love rather than angst and fighting and mistrust and all of these horrible things. That's why it matters so much to me. It's worth every sacrifice. It's worth everything you have to do in order to make that a reality.

Greg & Rachel Denning (56:53.102)
And going back to what I was saying before, like, go to bed happy, get up happy, go through your days happy, joyful, blissful. As a man, I feel like when things are good with you, I feel like I can just take on the world. I can slay dragons all day. Like everything's right in the world as long as things are right with you. And it's worth the effort to make it right. It's so powerful. Okay. Love you guys. Invest in your marriage. Love on each other. Reach upward.

Greg & Rachel Denning (57:26.95)
Dimek was literally growling the whole time. I it wasn't.